HUIXUANNN Wednesday, December 24, 2008
havent been blogging for awhile.. and now for a emo post. LOLduhhh. why was i so not confident of myself?? why did i gave up on myself? why am i always so stupid? why cant i cherish more of myself? why did i always think that people will do better than me? just as taima says about me, "why i always think that people will know everything better than me while i can know nuts?, why people must know everything and i dont?"
yes, WHY???!!!!
sighs. i guess i was really dumb enough. why did i even bother to tell him that i can play both melodies when i want so much to play the main one? why didn't i cherish the chance he gave me? why was she able to play louder than me when there was only 5people in the room, but yet during combine, she can play super soft? or was i weird because some would have thought that 5 people should be easier, and should be more daring to play louder? but for me, because i still don't know them very well, that is why i don't dare to play louder.
-.-" he gave me the chance to played the main melody, why hadn't i cherish it? or was it typically because she cannot play the 2nd melody? i don't know. 3/4 of my heart tells me is because that i was too kay zhua to tell him i can play both melodies, and that i havent really took advantage of the chance that he gave me, yet another 1/4 of my heart tells me that because her playing 2nd melody isnt good, thats why he asked me to play 2nd melody.
you know, i really wished that my brain would have turned so much faster? why was it that after my chance slipped by, then would i have thought about these? why in the first place i go say i can play both? i really dint think much in my mind during that time. because, i was just saying what i felt. i mean, i could really do both, i'll just do anything he says, anyway, he calls the shots right? was it because that he was my former laoshi as well, so i'm used to obey him? was it so? or was it because he really is handsome for some reason, and really a nice guy, that i admire him that i could give up my own chance? for my mom, she would have scolded me right away if i told her about this incident. i wasn't brave enough to told her this, she would have been so disappointed in me. i really wasn't in the mood and i really could not have stand her saying those words, that's why i kept silent instead of telling what had happened throughout the night.
i really dont know. was i born like this? was i meant to be like this? or was it because nobody trained me to be determined? no, i cannot blame anyone, it was all my fault. ever since primary school, i had compared myself with my siblings. i dint actually, but it was when my parents kept saying that they are so much better than me. why? why was my sister able to get into girls school, get 8marks for her O's, get into JC, and into U? why cant i do it? WHY???!!
i was lazy, i was not determined enough, i kept crying over spilled milk, i don't know what i'm supposed to do. really i dont. do you know how many a time i really wished that my life was like taima's? i wished i was being trained from young, that now i could have been independent. i wished my siblings were not of so much of age gap away from me. i wished they could have taught me all the things i need to be teached. i wished they would have chided me when i did something wrong. but no, i wasnt fortunate enough to get these treatment. my parents went to work when i was young. my siblings went to school early in the morning. when they were dismissed from school, they had to go to the market to help out with the stall. where was i? i was being looked after by my neighbour.
sighs. never mind. i guess i probably think too much again. the decision is made, nothing could have changed the fact already. i should probably pay more attention in the future. perhaps it was a good point of me. because i wont just think of myself and do anything just to get my goal. maybe i should have see it this way. parents can also be wrong right? lol.
fine, enough of emo-ing and rain-ing. -.- okayys, lets talk about something much better.
well, that gathering of ours, was an OK de. lol. was supposed to meet kaixuan that day at 5pm at de bus stop near ikram's house, but we couldnt as taima was still sleeping soundly. ahhhh. that pig la. hahaha. called her so many times on her phone la. but she dint even hear it i guessed. -.- really don't feel like calling her house cos her bro was bound to be at home most of e time. lol. never mind then, i did called for once, her brother was on the other line. -.- and i asked if i could speak to YUYING. LOL. seems ages since i, or even we, have been calling her real name. muahahahaha. lol. k, i'm evil. haha.
WOW, she finally picked up and spoke into the phone. LOL. and when she realised who the caller was she her first words were "oh my god." hahaha. stupid taima. she actually say because she went to school early in the morning then went home, turned to her bed cos she was very tired. 6.6 LOl. and slept until i called her house. LOL. and that was when i was about to reach hougang cc's bus stop le. lol. -.- lol. and i even had the time to walk over to xq's house. (actually i thot i was super super LATE, cos i caught the bus at about 4? and we were meeting at 4:15 to take bus over to ikram's house bus stop to meet kx. so i thought i was seriously late, thinking taima was bathing or smth, so she dint hear my call. -.- but it wasnt. and so i took bus to cc cos there got bus 62 as well. intentionally wanted to take bus to meet xq and taima at taima's bus stop. LOL. )
i still got time went up to xq's house and play 10 mins of com when she finally reached. LOL.
ahhha. lol. nevermind, we wasn't very late also. we were the first few who reached there. don't know what to do either, we watched cartoon there. happily slacking. ahahha. :p and i got served by sk la. haha. lol. omg. e mushroom is nice though. i thought he would have bought those ownself prepare de. but no, he actually spend $$ to buy the food that was already marinated and prepared le. -.- no wonder the costs so expensive. lol. then later melissa they all reached le. she did the exchange gifts same as co de. -.- but this time round i wasnt so lucky. i get something i already knew what it was. LOL. -.- xq de la. LOL. and we ended up taking back our own pressies, because she wouldnt have use e pressie i've prepared and i wouldn't use hers either. LOl. we both like so dumb can. hahahaha. lol. but mine's CUTE can. its a eggy, which can be used as a wristpad, or can be used as a monitor wipe at de back. darn cute can. (:
for that day, i felt that we are as a class again. -.- otherwise we would have been in all our separate cliques. LOl. yes, i've seen further ahead. i can now see things more openly. i realised i've been changing all the time, each time learning new things and experiencing new things throughout. (:
havent been seeing jiaqi and shuhui for awhile. oops. told shu im gonna mit her tis week, but havent been able to. dieee. hahahha. LOL. ahhha. kays la, that's all for now. (:
Merry x'mas to all!
5:33 PM
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
ahhhhh. siannnn. haha. LOL. wanted to go out shopping. but was kind of lazy.. aha. and mama kept nagged at me to tidy up my room. urghhh. dumbs la. sian. so dint go out w yh tdy afternoon. haha. LOL. i thot she got her frens acc her until she take her hp la. lol. but she dint. omg!! im so sorry about that. haha. LOL. but i finally did went out and acc her la. (: haha. but she like waited for super super long. omg. ahaha. ps, but i couldnt go out earlier. lol. not my fault hor. :p haha. ahys, bought my urs shoe!! wheee. haha. acty she did kept ask me buy flats. ahhhhhhh. but i was SHORT enuf alr la. cannot. :p i still wanna be tall (although i cant grow much le :( sobs) sighs. but i dont intend buy those softy nice flats. cos i wont be wearing much often too. at least this shoe, i can wear for presentation, concert, and work. (: HEH. im smart! hahhahaha.but, true enough, i have ALOT of shoes at home. OK la, not sae alot, jus like 20 to 25 pairs of them? LOL. mostly heels though. haha. simply loved heels. (: though it ll cause pain, its still nice. and i seriously like pointed ones!! (: they're super duper nice. ahhhh. and yh bought a mango basic top. haha. lol. sianded. and she bought de pressie for co camp de le, b4 i could even stop her. LOL. cos i got some vouchers. lol. haha. suan le. haha. i wanted buy mango also. ahhhhhh. but i seriously don feel like buying those cheap clothes but it costs a bomb bcos of its BRAND? lol. duh. yes, unless they're super super nice, and de cloth's nice too. (: yes i do buy clothes, but i do have my principles when buying them.
i've been listening to JJ's new songs recently. ahhhhhhh. super idol. LOL. -.- hahahahaha. beginning to like him so much! haha. LOl. yeah, i know he's not THAT handsome, but still, his songs are nice. not his looks, but songs. (: coooolll. andand i so wanna go to mayday's concert??!!! AHHHHHHHHH. dabian!!!!! i wanna go!!! $#$%$&!^#~ sadded. seashell's going. :( saddening.
-.- and i REALLY did tidied up my rooms tdy. -.- ahhhha. not rooms, is only de wardrobe room. LOL. but its really messy. so many clothes, so many junk around de metal bed. -.- LOL. i've yet tidy finish my bedroom too. LOL. i've tidied my collection of plastic bags tdy. WOW. is has become so many many. LOLS. its a box already. a FULL one. (-____-)"" super alot okayys. i squeeze until no more space liao. LOL. but that's not a very huge box, just a normal size box. haha, so still okayys la. my mama saes: "next time when euu get married, that shall be your dowry. Take it to eur home. " i was like: "@.@. okayys, yes, of cos i will be taking there i supposed? LOL. (but a bit lazy leh. lol) haha. " super funny la. oh well, euu wont understand, bcos euu're not at e scene. ahhhhha. :p
die die die. now its alr counted as tuesday. omgomgomg. tmrw's de day i shall die on stage?!!! LOLS. im darn scared of x'mas song. i still wasn't that familiar with that. AND, we're so gonna die. bcos, my section most of the songs only mic and me will be playing. zj & mc both like dono de songs de? lol. but seriously, they should have make e effort to try harder. lol. it's different from sec sku already. well, probably they have to take some time to get use to it. maybe i'm just impatient of them not practising? cos i guess i really do take some time to settle down and get used to settle down on my own and practice on my own w/o laoshi teaching in detailed. i say it's different, bcos we had our own pipa laoshi to teach us individually, away from the pluckings section. we really had a room to ourselves to let chen laoshi teach us. but now, no, there's no place to separate us because poly sku days are longer, and dere's not enough rooms to let us have our own section at a room. i hope they will settle down soon. (:
okayys. i think i've written long enough already. (: haha. its time for me to slack awhile and play my games and off to my beauty sleep. muahahahha. (: Byess!
12:46 AM
Monday, December 8, 2008
fuck. im sick of studying. zzzz. seriously got no mood to study now.ahhhhhha. SO FUNNY. lol. when i really wasnt throwing tantrums euu said i was. when i wasnt upset at all EUU MADE me upset, and adding more oil to it. yayaya, im always in e fault. euu have NO faults at all, alright? dumbass. im sick and tired of everything already.
11:39 AM
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
i realise..my prediction is mostly accurate.
my instincts are right.
my brain is wrong.
my determination sucks.
my mind is totally shit.
lol. CTs are coming. so many projects to do. i really dont know what to do. i am supposed to study. yet i have no intention of studying. no mood to study. im really sick and tired of everything. i wish i was 70% more like my brainy sister.
11:14 AM
know what? i realise i've actually got things to say to him. i didnt know why i can't think of anything that day. i really thought i was just an ordinary person going up there, but i wasn't. i wished i have said it earlier. perhaps it would have been better to him. seriously, i regretted of not saying anything to him, just giving him a smile. never mind. i hope he will continue to do his best. (:
eheheh! what have you been thinking? LOl. i'm saying about JJ la. ahyyy. he's so damm cute. haha. really, i should have known better, i should have gave him some encouragement. duh!!! wonder when can go to his party / concert again ? haha. lol. he got a concert next year, people have start booking tickets already. ): i so wanna go. sad.
it's not so pain now, im trying to get used to it.
perhaps it ll do me good. i'll look it on the better side.
eheheh! what have you been thinking? LOl. i'm saying about JJ la. ahyyy. he's so damm cute. haha. really, i should have known better, i should have gave him some encouragement. duh!!! wonder when can go to his party / concert again ? haha. lol. he got a concert next year, people have start booking tickets already. ): i so wanna go. sad.
it's not so pain now, im trying to get used to it.
perhaps it ll do me good. i'll look it on the better side.
11:00 AM
Monday, December 1, 2008
Craps. Know wat? Ever since I had my birthday this year till now, I think im living in misery. Fuck, frgt it, I don’t wish to be bothered about it. I just fil like breaking down, but yet I cant. Ass. Anyway, thanks those people who tried to understand me, who stood by me all the time. Yes, I do appreciate people who take actions to accompany me and tries to accompany me. I’m really grateful for I’m someone who is really hard to understand. -.- whatever. Im addicted to this nice song. Thanks to meiqi for introducing me this singer and to rainer because he was the one who sent me this song. It’s really nice. (: oh ya btw, there’s a SUPER DUPER BAD NEWS FOR ME. -.- eh. My super nice JJ’s signature on e disc was kanna smudged??!?!! Wtf. Wapiang. I really thought it was dry already la. Asshole. Damm. He’s so darn cute. ((((: oh man! How could I smudged the signature????!!!@!@#@!$%$#%@!###$!@# urgh. Sickening. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. ANDAND.. his hand really is darn big. -.- LOL. Dammmmmm la. Turn back e time till de day I went his party. ): EVIL!!!! I wan let him resign my cd la. ); sobs~~~~
Kays, of cos, I shant forget about darling’s birthday today!! (:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SHUHUI,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!
PS: HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY SEAGULL!!! HAHAHAHHAHA.
this song represents my mood right now.
李玖哲 - 影子
我们曾爱的疯狂
为追求感觉就拼命去闯 oh yeah
我们曾太过健忘
来不及珍惜徒增了悲伤 oh yeah
是谁习惯了对方
才让平淡推翻了过往
从今路不再一样未来不再能分享
曾给的承诺却还在心上
若你面向下个夕阳迎接幸福光芒
我当影子慢慢拉长 oh yeah
如果你累或孤单需要力量 oh
回过头我永远会在身旁
我们曾后悔失望
争执的藉口太冠冕堂皇 oh yeah
我们曾遍体麟伤失去了交集
也失去方向 oh yeah
是谁习惯了对方
才让平淡推翻了过往
从今路不再一样未来不再能分享
曾给的承诺却还在心上
若你面向下个夕阳迎接幸福光芒
我当影子慢慢拉长 oh yeah
如果你累或孤单需要力量 yeah
回过头我永远会在身旁
不用再害怕因我们踏着相同的步伐
我选择这样去守护跟随陪伴你流浪
我的爱捧着你往自由去飞翔 yeah
若你面向下个夕阳迎接幸福光芒
我当影子慢慢拉长 yeah
如果你累或孤单需要力量 yeah
回过头我永远会在身旁
前方的你永远在我心上
i know i should have known better. i know i should be more independent.
i'm sorry for giving you guys trouble. i'm just nothing but trouble.
10:50 PM